Ray Winstone

Having asked the intern for a cup of tea, milk one sugar, the actor Ray Winstone attempted to sink into the chair at the edge of the studio. However he was soon forced to sit bolt upright, the flimsy fold out chair did not make slouching comfortable and he was worried it would be unable to support his increasingly ample weight. They had just finished recording another advert for the betting firm BET365, in which Ray Winstone was pretending to be in another, different advert. He had convinced himself that this meant he was working three different jobs, including his current starring role in a gritty big screen re-make of the Sweeney, and that this entirely justified his constant exhaustion. By this point in his life Ray Winstone had wanted to retire and move to a cottage in the Cotswolds, perhaps doing occasional theatre work and taking time to write his memoirs. Downsizing had seemed like a good idea, especially now that his daughters, the actresses Lois and Jaime Winstone, had left home but his wife, the actress Elaine McCausland, didn’t want to move out of London because of her social life and had actually made him to move to a new bigger home. He was having trouble paying off the mortgage.

A booming laugh shook the set and Ray Winstone looked up to see the director joking with the Giant Disembodied Head of Ray Winstone. Ray Winstone attempted to avoid looking at his own Giant Disembodied Head but it spun round and stared at him before beginning to float in his direction, the director in tow. Ray Winstone had originally enjoyed the company of the Giant Disembodied Head of Ray Winstone, even considered him a friend of sorts, but he had grown to despise his own Giant Disembodied Head. In it he could see every imperfection in his own aging face blown up to several times their original size; every time the head spoke he heard the same idiosyncrasies that he hated in his voice as though they were being broadcast through a megaphone.

Ray Winstone had met his own head shortly after the release of the critical and commercial failure Beowulf, directed and produced by Robert Zemeckis. Zemeckis had told him that the film would be a huge success and that his innovative motion capture process would allow him to continue his film career long into the future despite his rapidly deteriorating physique. In fact it was these assurances that had allowed Ray Winstone to be brought around by his wife’s pleas for a new home. The fallout of Beowulf combined with his disastrous appearance in Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull had left him embittered to the idea of computer graphics in cinema.

Soon after the failure of Beowulf Zemeckis had sent Ray Winstone a Fortnum and Mason’s hamper by way of an apology. Ray Winstone had thrown the hamper under a Northern Line tube train as it came up to the platform, an action which he found incredibly cathartic but which his wife, the actress Elaine McCausland, had called “petty” and “childish”.

It was because of his distrust of computer graphics that he had initially turned down the BET365 job, but a few days later he had found his own Giant Disembodied Head sleeping rough, hovering about 2 foot above an alley next to his local pub. Ray Winstone’s Giant Disembodied Head had explained to Ray Winstone how it had tried to make a living as a Ray Winstone impersonator and how its career had faltered due to the fact that in London there were a lot of people who sounded like Ray Winstone already and because it was a Giant Disembodied Head, which had unsettled the punters and made it difficult to find suitable performance spaces. Ray Winstone could empathise, having once been a struggling up and coming actor himself, and also felt some responsibility due to the fact that it was his own head. He had called BET365 back the next morning and arranged to get his head an audition.

Now the shoe was on the other foot (metaphorically of course, unlike Ray Winstone The Giant Disembodied Head of Ray Winstone didn’t need shoes as it mostly travelled by hovering or just spontaneously appearing in rooms when it was needed). Ray Winstone had been the one in need of help. Ray Winstone’s Giant Disembodied Head knew that Ray Winstone was having money troubles so had set him up with a job supporting him in a few of the TV adverts. Ray Winstone hated having to rely on anyone, especially his own head.

“Me and the lads are going to the pub mate, fancy coming along for a pint” boomed The Giant Disembodied Head of Ray Winstone.

“No thanks mate” said Ray Winstone “I need to get some sleep, me and my wife, the actress Elaine McCausland, are going to the Lake District tomorrow and I’ve got an early start.”

Unlike Ray Winstone the Giant Disembodied Head of Ray Winstone did not need to sleep and rarely had to eat. Ray Winstone had sometimes wondered if The Giant Disembodied head had been absorbing energy from him but he soon became resigned to the fact that he was just getting older.

The Giant Disembodied Head of Ray Winstone appeared to disapprove of Ray Winstone’s answer and began to scowl. It then started to rotate violently around its axis, so fast that Ray Winstone was unable to make out any of his features and he appeared to be nothing more than a blur. The gust of air put off by this display blew scripts across the studio and knocked over some of the flimsier pieces of the set. The Head then bobbed and came to a rest with a beaming smile.

“You’re fucking whipped mate! Come on just one pint!”

Ray Winstone sighed and slumped into his chair. It gave way with a sudden crunch leaving Ray Winstone in a heap on the floor. Ray Winstone’s Giant Disembodied Head continued to levitate a few feet above him. It had no need for chairs.

I realise some of you might not have seen the advert in question, so here it is