Why We Broke Up

A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend about relationships and I mentioned my feeling that the reasons I had for breaking up with people were often pretty ridiculous. She wanted some examples but I struggled to come up with them at the time and, as ever with these things, only started to remember some of the better ones on the way home. As is the way of the modern world I felt a compulsive desire to share them with strangers on the internet. But the obvious problem was that a lot of them made me look like a jerk, or made other people look like jerks and I like to think that I'm not that sort of guy. How could I deal with this? Well the solution was obvious: lying. So here are the reasons why we broke up; some of them are mine, some came from friends, some I made up:

• I found your friends more interesting than I found you. 
• You loved Korean food so much that your breath smelt of kimchi all the time. 
• You asked me where I wanted to kiss you; I listed the historic counties of England. You were trying to be sexy and didn't appreciate my sense of humour. 
• You didn't tell me you were moving to Canada. 
• I forgot that you told me you were moving to Canada. 
• You suggested I should lose weight while we were having sex. Although I didn't object to you bringing up my health I don’t think it was the time or place. 
• I was so busy cooking that I forgot I was supposed to be taking you out on a date. I still don’t understand why you couldn't have just come round mine for dinner. 
• I was worried your rich Chinese dad would hire a private eye to investigate me because I’d heard about that sort of thing (was this racist?) 
• You wouldn't sleep with me before marriage because of your religious beliefs. 
• You wouldn't sleep with me because (as you discovered a few weeks later) you were actually a lesbian. 
• I wasn't cool with the fact that your best friend was a member of the BNP. 
• I accused you of cheating on me. 
• You were cheating on me. 
• I thought you were immature, you thought I was boring. 
• I kept getting your name wrong, although in my defence even you agreed it was very similar to your flatmate’s. 
• U use txt spk xxx 
• You voted Tory and were reading Ayn Rand. 
• It turned out you hadn't broken up with your previous boyfriend after all. 
• After I saw your dong I realised I wasn't in to that sort of thing.
• You had unusually large feet. 
• I fell asleep while you were talking to me. On more than one occasion. 
• You refused to let me pay for anything. 
• You refused to pay for anything. 
• Even though you are taller than me you still insisted on wearing high heels. 
• You objected to the hilarious nicknames I was giving our genitalia. 
• Even after I explained that I didn't find it sexy you handcuffed me to your bed. 
• Your twin obsessions of wedding dresses and babies were making me a little nervous. 
• I couldn't deal with how dumb you were. 

So which are real and which aren't  You’ll never know! But to be honest given some of the reasons I've heard for break ups over the years I kind of feel that even the ones I made up have probably happened to someone else. If you want to share any reasons you have “heard from a friend about a break up they had with someone who wasn't me” please do because other people’s misery is always hilarious.