The
technology existed to make a computer’s speech entirely indistinguishable from that
of humans but when tried this had generally had the effect of massively creeping
people out, because it gave the impression that computers were just as
intelligent as humans when in fact they were far, far more intelligent. All
computers were now designed to speak in a slightly self satisfied way with a
tinny robotic voice.
“Signs of sentience detected,
do you wish to attempt interspecies communication?”
“Wait you mean the goo can
think?”
“Affirmative, do you wish to
attempt interspecies communication?”
Craig
had decided to stick some sensor equipment into the goop to see what it
actually was, but intelligence had been the furthest thing from his mind what
with how basic a creature it looked. The ability to speak to other life forms
had been invented several decades earlier, but after it was discovered that
cats did actually want to kill and eat all humans and the slightly unsettling
discovery that certain trees could think (and held an extremely superior
attitude) the practice fell out of fashion outside of scientific circles.
“Well yes, affirmative, let’s
hear what this thing thinks!”
“That thing looks horrible”
“x150?” (That was the
computer’s name by the way)
“Yes Officer Henderson it’s
so solid looking”
“You’re not making any sense
x150”
“That was not I Officer Henderson
that was the sample did it put me in
this container?”
“Can you give it a different
voice? I can’t tell the difference between you and it”
“This ship computer contains
a free copy of my voice programme, on registering this product further voices
can be acquired for the low price of Five Ninety Nine a month and…”
“Okay never mind just don’t
talk while I’m communicating with the sample”
“Affirmative hello”
“Um hello, I’m… I’m… from
earth?… do you have a name?”
Craig realised he should
have probably read the manual on making first contact with new species.
“Greetings ‘from earth’ we
are an aspect of that which is described as Preckselfflurt”
“No, no, I’m called Craig
Henderson; the planet I come from is called earth”
“Ah we see Craig Henderson…”
“Call me Craig”
“We see Craig, why have you
separated us and put us in a container?”
“Well I wanted to study you
I didn’t realise you were intelligent”
“Preckselfflurt is
incredibly intelligent and we contain an aspect of that”
“Wait, wait are you prekle…
prekself… is that your name or something else’s?”
“Preckselfflurt is all and
we are simply a part of it, we can feel we have been disconnected”
“Oh wow! Are you
telepathic?”
“Of course not telepathy is
tabloid nonsense. I don’t think you really get what we are saying here”
Craig had to admit that he
didn’t and that talking to an alien species was a hell of a lot more difficult
than he had anticipated. Not helped by the fact it was being done via the voice
of a self satisfied computer. This was his big break though right? Validation
of a life’s work? The thing that he would be
“Pig Slop”
The words hung for a few
moments.
“Excuse me?”
“This is x150 Officer Henderson
“That… pig slop?”
“An analysis of the
materials comprising the sample showed that they would make an excellent
dietary supplement for pigs I have already fed a sample to one of the ships
pigs and –“
“YOU FED AN INTELLIGENT NEW
LIFEFORM TO… we have a ships pig?”
“Several pigs, as well as
cows, sheep, horses, newts…”
As
x150 droned on providing a list of apparently every animal on earth Craig grew
increasingly perturbed, not only because he was the ships biologist and no one
had told him, not only because it seemed a computer was entirely capable of
doing his job without him, not only because he despised his job, but because he
had been serving on this ship for years and had never explored it enough to
find the incredible menagerie that it apparently held.
“… and the pig rapidly
showed increased production of the chemicals necessary for excellent bacon”
“I don’t care anymore x150!
I am not going to let us harvest an intelligent, living, breathing” (actually
he didn’t know if it breathed) “creature so we can make more delicious bacon!”
“There is a near 100% chance
of promotion”
“What?”
No comments:
Post a Comment